Sex in the Church

By Tony Robinson
The Jamaica Observer
August 20, 2006

Look, you get a prayer book
In your hand,
And stand between two churchmen,
Good my lord.
- Shakespeare, Richard 111

"WITH devotion's visage, and pious action, we do sugar o'er the devil himself," said Polonius to Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Pious action indeed.

My good friend, Winston 'Bello' Bell has taken a bold move by penning a book titled Sex In The Church. Being of a curious nature whenever I see the word sex, I simply had to read it, and I was glad that I did, as it not only opened my eyes to the bright mind of Bell, but also verified what I have always thought and heard about what goes on in the church.

Now I am not knocking the church, for at its best it can be a wonderful institution, but like all organisations made up of men and women, it is subject to the frailties and weaknesses that befall both sexes. Just put the two together and you spell crosses, and crosses usually means sex.

Now the church is supposed to be above reproach, filled with those who are godly, divine, god-fearing and holier-than-thou, and there was a time when if you mentioned that you were from a good Christian background, it meant something positive. "What a good boy Trevor is, from a good strong church background, and his father is parson too." Now I'm not sure if that statement carries as much weight as it used to, as the scales have been lifted from the eyes of many, as the church has been exposed to be just as sexual, if not more so than the rest of society.

From ancient times, the church has attempted to sweep sex under the carpet, keep it in the closet, with some even ordering their priests and nuns to take vows of celibacy. That means no sex for the rest of your life. I'm sure that many of them did, but interestingly, many of those churches also swore their order to vows of silence, a convenient combination I daresay, for if they did indulge, they couldn't talk about it.

Now the whole concept is so unnatural and goes against all laws of nature and biology. As a result, many of those who took those vows failed to keep them. How could they, as with all those young horny priests walking around, plus those nuns in their habits, it was hard for those priests not to kick off the habit!

Lord forgive me, but I do speak facts. Even recent history has unearthed many instances of nuns cohabiting with priests, with some gruesome stories of the discovery of discarded foetuses buried beneath many a convent.

More and more it's being revealed how many altar boys were sexually molested by priests, with countless lawsuits being filed in the USA and even a few murders too, as the now adult altar boys, riddled with guilt and shame and emotionally-scarred for life, took the law into their own hands and blew away the offenders. Even recently in New York, a man shot and killed a priest because he made sexual advances towards him.

So the church has always been a very sexually-charged institution, but if you listened to some of them, you wouldn't think so. Parsons, priests, fathers, reverends, deacons, call them what you may, are men of power that women look up to. Why, in many churches the parson is seen as next to God, in touch with the Almighty, and what he says goes. "Come my child, meet me in chambers later tonight and we'll discuss your problem."

But with great power comes great responsibility, and that's where many parsons fall short. Standing up there and surveying his flock, it is so easy to succumb to the pleasures of the flesh, and even as he speaks of the spirits being strong, his flesh is stronger still.

Coupled with the fact that many women flock to the church just to be with the parson, or pass on their daughters to said clergy, it's hard not to yield to temptation. But with confession, they can do almost anything and get away with it. It's like this young girl who gave in to this parson then confessed to him saying, "Oh father forgive me but I have sinned twice," to which he queried, "Twice? But we only did it once." She retorted, "But aren't we going to do it again father?"

Yes indeed, many women view men of the cloth the same way as they view rock stars or dons, with lust in their eyes, and many a pastor has fallen to this temptation. Some even go into the ministry to get women, for nowhere are there more willing and able females than in the church.

"Man, just pitch up a tent and watch woman run come," said this lay preacher, giving new meaning to the word lay. In Bello's book, he recalls hearing these ladies saying, "Look here, you have a boy who have a church up the road, the boy cute, him cute, him cute, him cute, him cute. When the man come out in him pastoral garments, I could not keep my mind on the service."

What is also revealing is the amount of women who declared that if they were to cheat on their husbands, it would be with the parson. As soon as a woman can't find a man, she joins church in the hope of landing one, and conversely, there are many men who specialise in bedding church sisters.

"I tell you, there is nothing like deconverting a church sister, and the good thing is, they shout out the Lord's name while doing it too." I also know of many sexually-frustrated women who, even though married, will suddenly take up with the church, not only for escape, but for sexual gratification. After all, it's easier to tell your husband that you're going to church, rather than to a nightclub, party or beach outing. "Where yu going dear?"

"Oh, to prayer meeting at church dear." I can count the number of church sisters who got pregnant at an early age. Years ago, in my youth, it used to shock me, as in my naivete, I would say, "Say what, Maureen pregnant, but she nuh strong church sister, she is the last person I would expect to do that." But now that I am older and wiser, I am aware that sex in the church is a reality.

Apart from this, many churches breed ignorance amongst their flock and preach hellfire and damnation as they put labels on sex that even apply to married couples. "Sex is a sin, and must only be done for procreation, not pleasure," decree some churches.

As a result, we have many frustrated and confused couples whose only vent is to stray outside and find someone who has no sexual hang-ups. So powerful was the church's influence on sex, that the missionary position is so named because of the practice of missionaries who only applied the man on the top position.

I have never heard of a teacher's position, or doctor's, or plumber's. Imagine some women even refusing to let their husbands see them naked, because parson says it's not right. "Turn off de light, parson say we must turn off de light when we do it, you must not gaze on my nakedness" is the cry of many a church sister. As a result, the husbands 'bruk out', and another one bites the dust.

Sex, sin, fornication, sin, adultery, sin, pleasures of the flesh, sin, and the joys of celibacy, are all terms that are spoken of in whispered tones in the church. Even the term for the sex act was coined by the church, as in ancient times it was decreed that sex could only be done with the king's consent, hence, fornication under consent (of the) king.

Take the first letters of each word and see what they spell. So I'm told. Everyone's doing it but no one is admitting to it, at least up until now. Winston 'Bello' Bell has taken a bold step by writing about it, even though there are some who will raise their eyebrows at his revelations.

Maybe in ancient times he would have been deemed a heretic and burned at the stake. But the veil of secrecy and hypocrisy is being lifted, and sex in the church is a reality. Pastor power is real, church sister sex is surreal, deacons are daring, adults do adultery, and the flock do fornicate. More time.

Footnote: The other half of the former duo of Bello and Blacka, Blacka Ellis made a very good point about sexual advances and women. If a man makes an advance and is rebuffed, he moves on, but if a woman makes an advance and he turns her down, he has hell to pay.

Either he's called gay, impotent, Dickless Tracy, or afraid of women. Hell really hath no fury like a woman spurned, and men dare not turn them down. Wow and double wow, Jamaica is so pretty as we discover more and more every day.

Last Sunday our Seido karate group took a day trip to Robin's Bay, St Mary for some beach fun, and it was so lovely. Barely an hour's drive up through junction, past the lovely Castleton Gardens, and in a short while you're in Robin's Bay with its great clean beaches. Truly a wonderful place, and off the beaten track too. The coastline has changed a bit since the hurricanes, but it's still so nice. We have so much to be thankful for.


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