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  Child Molesters Aren't Necessarily Strangers

By Katherine Snow Smith
St. Petersburg Times [Florida]
August 7, 2005

I'd been dreading the required training for close to a year.

Though I actually had conflicts every time the three-hour class was offered, I also thought it was a huge waste of time. Why did I need to take a class about sexual child abuse awareness? I certainly have no tendencies toward such horrible actions, and I seriously doubt that any of the other volunteers at our church do either. Furthermore, if my children were ever targeted by a molester, they would tell me right away, and that would be the end of it.

I thought the Episcopal Diocese of Southwest Florida was being overly paranoid to require the course for any church member who teaches or comes into regular contact with children. But when I finally took the class on a recent Saturday morning, I actually found it eye-opening.

Sadly, I learned, a cute, normal-seeming 15-year-old volunteer or the beloved, longtime youth director can be the child molester we all fear but picture more as the creep hanging out at the park.

Research shows that only 10 percent of abuse is perpetrated by strangers, 30 percent is by a family member and 60 percent is someone else who the child and often the family knows. Furthermore, even the best parent-child relationship can be compromised by a cunning abuser who learns to gain children's trust and control them or threaten them to keep them from blowing the whistle.

Now let me stress that I'm not suddenly suspecting every person who gives my kids a hug or talks to them in the corridors after communion. I'm just more aware that sexual child abuse occurs in any community. Enough, in fact, to cause insurance companies to develop awareness programs such as the one I attended to reduce the risk and occurrence of lawsuits brought by victims of sexual abuse.

Other churches in other denominations in the Tampa Bay area are also requiring, or at least strongly recommending, similar awareness training.

"It's the way things are now, so we're going to do what we can to not only instill confidence in the institution but also to make things as safe as we can," said Jim DeLa, communications director for the Episcopal Diocese of Southwest Florida, which stretches from Brooksville to Marco Island.

"It helps a lot to have awareness of what to look for and what things may be odd," DeLa said. "It makes us all more vigilant. It makes the community safer".

Since the diocese started urging church members and clergy to take part in the "Safeguarding All God's Children" program about a year ago, 3,638 people have completed the course.

The group of about 20 adults from Episcopal churches across Pinellas County who met for the class I attended discussed how we hope we would not leave there hesitant to show affection for a child other than our own.

"We cannot lose sight of the fact that affection is essential to children and the church," said Beth Gordon, the parish program coordinator for St. Alban's Episcopal Church in St. Pete Beach, who taught the class. "This is not about teaching anyone not to hug or not to touch. Just do it appropriately."

The video discussed appropriate displays of affection, such as pats on the shoulder, handshakes and high-fives. I laughed when I pictured a generation of children high-fiving their priest after a deep discussion about God or trouble with friends, or a loving Sunday school teacher high-fiving a nervous 6-year-old right before she steps on stage for her part in the Christmas pageant.

It's probably more sad than funny.

"The course may certainly make you more aware of your body language and other people's body language," DeLa said. "I've noticed just in general the last few years people are a little more aware of that kind of thing in society in general. It is an interesting phenomenon ... but it's not necessarily a bad thing."

The video implied that we can still use common sense and affection in many situations. It endorsed holding hands while walking with small children, simple hugs and holding or picking up children 3 years old and younger.

The hardest and perhaps most enlightening part of the class was watching children who had been abused and two abusers talk about their experiences. One abuser told of how he invited his brother's children over all the time because they usually brought friends along as well. Another said he told children he was having physical relationships with that if they told anyone they would get in just as much trouble as he would.

At the end of the video, the second abuser's high school yearbook photo with that familiar blue background flashed on the screen. He looked like such a typical sophomore. He was a 15-year-old church volunteer when he was caught molesting children.

There are several steps that churches, schools and parents can take to make it harder for abuse to happen. There are signs to watch for, ways to react and things to teach your children.

Watch for adults who exhibit excessive tickling, wrestling, roughhousing or frontal hugs with children. Also watch for adults who buy children a lot of presents or want to take them on frequent special outings.

Watch for warning signs in children's behavior such as anxiety, secrecy, embarrassment, feeling different, feeling dirty and difficulty concentrating.

A parent should react to a suspicious adult by talking to him or her directly or to a supervisor right away and questioning the behavior. Simply asking questions does not mean you are accusing anyone, but it can scare an abuser away from your child or shed more light on a situation.

Or you could learn nothing is out of the ordinary. React to any warning signs you see in children by assuring them you will love them no matter what, and try to get at the root of their anxiety.

Parents should teach their children the names of their body parts from the time they can speak. They should instill rules about who can touch them, such as a parent or the doctor. Teach them who they should tell if someone touches them in a private place.

As a parent, you can't know the intentions of every person who comes into contact with your child at school, church, a friend's home or any public place. We simply cannot be at their sides at all times.

But we also have to expect the best in people who work with children and not the worst. Perhaps the only true safety net lies in the relationship we have with our children. If there is great trust and open lines of communication, we can hope to count on them to tell us if something bad is going on even if we can't always count on the rest of society.

St. Alban's Episcopal Church in St. Pete Beach is planning to offer a free three-hour course on sexual child abuse awareness to anyone in the area in the fall. A date has not been set. Call (727) 360-8406 for more information. No specific religious affiliation is required.